Monday 22 March 2021 by Arabin Patson

Brexit doomed after fearless Remainers put ‘European’ as ethnicity on census form


Remainer with EU flag

Ardent Europhiles are adamant they just dealt a death blow to the Brexit project by declaring that they identify as European in the 2021 census, emulating civil rights champions like Rosa Parks or those really clever people who write “yes, please” when asked their sex on a form.

Simon Williams, a furloughed social worker in Brighton, explained that his astute analysis, that Brexit was turning to shit, is what compelled him to come up with such a brilliant act of sabotage and accepted that “this might cost me”.

He went on, “I know they might come after me, but I had to draw a line in the sand. The flag-shaggers thing they have won, but this when we start to fight back. I’m sure Boris hoped everybody would identify as Aryan or whatever, but I am European until I die. Which might be soon because the Tories are textbook fascists.

“And by textbook, I mean a series of dubious quotes put into memes on Facebook groups with names like The Resistance.”

At the Virginia headquarters of Leidos Innovations, the American defence company tasked with compiling the data from the survey, database engineer Troy Burton was not sure the census manipulation campaign would be as consequential as hoped.

“I think that after 2,000 entries the AI creates a new database category code but that’s about it. It has no impact on anything whatsoever.

“It’s like those idiots who put Jedi as their religion. If you want to test how meaningful that was, try not paying your taxes by declaring yourself a Mandalorian or some shit and see where that leads you.”

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