Friday 19 March 2021 by Neil Tollfree

‘FLAGS!’ insist Tories


Boris Union Jack

The Tories have robustly insisted that ‘FLAGS!’

It comes in the wake of some controversial rhetoric yesterday that many saw as not ‘FLAGS’.

Tory fan club newsletters The Daily fucking Telegraph, The Daily fucking Mail, and The Daily Fucking Express all published front pages today that were just the word ‘FLAGS’ repeated several hundred times alongside a picture of flags.

Boris Johnson began the day by walking out of Downing Street dressed in a big flag and shouted ‘FLAGS’ at passers-by until he got tired and went back inside to eat a big ham.

Then Robert Dominic Michael Matt Jenrick Raab Gove Hancock, a terrifying Tory chimaera in a boring suit, appeared on BBC Breakfast to continue to insist ‘FLAGS’ until it was time to go to Carol with the weather.

The public appeared to support ‘FLAGS’.

“FLAGS!” said Simon Williams, a cabbage rehydrater from Oswestry.

“FLAGS, FLAGS, FLAGS, FUCKING FLAGS.

“More FLAGS. FLAGS everywhere. Lovely FLAGS all on my body. Mmmm, I can’t get enough FLAGS. FLAGS touching me. FLAGS caressing me. FLAGS, FLAGS, FLAGS.”

It is expected that there will be 92 laws about flags created today and everyone who doesn’t like flags will have to go to prison.

It is expected that Tories will continue to insist that ‘FLAGS’ throughout the weekend until Tuesday or Wednesday when they will begin to demand ‘STATUES’ or possibly ‘MONARCHS’ instead.

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