Wednesday 17 March 2021 by Lucas Wilde

St Patrick’s Day sees millions forced to pretend to be Irish from home


St Patrick's Day in lockdown

It’s St. Patrick’s Day in the time of lockdown.

The celebration of Ireland’s patron saint, combined with the continued measures to fight Covid-19, means that many people are being forced to wear a Guinness hat and lie about their Irishness from home.

“Feck and begorrah!” declared Simon Williams, 34, who was born in Middlesborough.

“Irish on me father’s side, so I am!” said the liar, whose only actual connection to Ireland is having fingered a woman from Cork in a club toilet 12 years ago.

“It’s a grand day for a Guinness!” continued Williams, taking a sip of the popular Irish stout before wincing hard, as he doesn’t actually like it.

Williams’ wife sighed, “I really hoped we’d avoid this bullshit this year.

“He’s used our credit card to buy a green three-piece suit and 24 cans of Guinness, none of which he actually likes and all of which I actively hate.

“I don’t know why people do this. Nobody clamours to be Welsh when St. David’s Day rolls around.”

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