Government decides the spectre of nuclear annihilation is the ideal remedy for nation’s mental health crisis

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Boris Johnson has announced that the perfect solution to Britain’s growing mental health crisis is for the public to seriously consider the prospect of the country becoming embroiled in nuclear Armageddon.

“People of Britain,” said the prime minister from his new £2.6m briefing room, “We face two great challenges. An economy in ruins, and a growing number of people suffering from poor mental health.

“However, we have solved these at a stroke by increasing Britain’s nuclear arsenal; stimulating the economy by giving the multi-billion-pound supply contract to one of our chums, and making everyone cheer up by putting their problems into perspective.

“Hey, at least your town isn’t being engulfed in atomic hellfire! Not yet… that falls under the scope of the 2030 defence review.

“Sadly, we failed to come up with a way to simultaneously solve Britain’s third great problem, people protesting peacefully. We did have a plan, but had to abandon it when it was pointed out that nuclear weapons can be rather loud.”

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The prime minister emphasised that the UK will continue to be a peace-loving country.

He went on, “Even if the number of nukes were to increase to 500, Britain would always pursue peace, for the good reason that pretty soon the number of service personnel will have fallen to the same figure.

“In the event of war, it will be the duty of each of these brave men and women to ride a nuke as it travels towards its target, whooping and waving a cowboy hat.

“Due to necessary cutbacks in the number of aircraft, it will also be their duty to shuffle the nuke along the ground like a toddler on a toy car.”