Carveries start putting food under the lights in preparation for reopening next month

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Britain’s carveries have started putting lovely, fresh-cooked meat and vegetables under the lights so they’ll be good and solid when they re-open in a months’ time.

After taking perfectly-cooked, succulent joints of beef and pork and sides of chicken out of the oven in a waft of fresh steam, the meats will be left to dry and curl to perfection over the next four weeks until they’re just the consistency their customers have come to expect.

At the same time, extra oil is being added to the roast vegetables so to ensure they’ll be both swimming in the stuff and that weird texture that only carvery food goes after it has sat there for four weeks.

Speaking on behalf of industry body Carvery, Restaurants And Pub Food Organisers Or Deliveries (CRAPFOOD), chief executive Simon Williams said, “Britain’s carveries have to maintain certain standards. What those standards are is a mystery to anyone dining there, but they are maintained.

“The fact that people keep coming back says that what the general public really likes is their meat so tough you need a pneumatic drill to slice it, and their recommended daily intake of grease in every mouthful.

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“Once all the meat is under the lights, our members will start scraping the dust out of the corners of their establishments to turn it into those onion rings which don’t actually have any onion in them.”