Tuesday 9 March 2021 by Arabin Patson

Nation celebrates after accidental discovery of cure for Piers Morgans


Piers Morgan storms off set

An anodyne experiment by ITV weatherman Alex Beresford has given the first hope in decades that there might be an end in sight to the horrific condition known colloquially as Piers Morgan.

Dr Simon Williams, a senior researcher at Porton Down’s dangerous viruses wing, said that his team was investigating the discovery of the Piers repellent and that it would not be the first time Lady Luck had helped cure something nasty.

“I know there’s this image of cures being found by scientists looking through microscopes and talking incomprehensible gibberish, and let’s be honest, that’s generally how it works.

“But sometimes sheer dumb luck gets the job done too. Without Alexander Fleming’s rather lax hygiene with his slides we would not have antibiotics.”

“So when a weatherman decided to reveal that Piers Morgan’s creepy obsession with Meghan Markle is clearly something personal, and that flabby wanker stormed off the set like a spoiled toddler, that’s just another quirky story in our species’ scientific story.”

However, Dr Williams cautioned the public that, although the discovery was significant, it was still quite probable that the UK had to live with Piers Morgan for a while longer.

He went on, “It’s vital we don’t think we can now just point out how much he obsesses over one woman and he’ll just vanish. Piers Morgan could grow resistant to people observing that he makes everyone shudder with his weird thing of commenting on the bodies of women young enough to be his grandchild.

“Piers Morgan is a tenacious condition. We thought it could be cured by shaming him for faking pictures of British soldiers pissing on Iraqi prisoners, but what happened? He went to America and came back even more virulent.

“Think of him as a talking version of herpes.”

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