Friday 5 March 2021 by Arabin Patson

Munificent Rishi Sunak rewards NHS heroes by helping their landlords buy another property


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The nurses and paramedics that have just spent a gruelling year in the frontline of the war against COVID have finally seen their sacrifices rewarded by a 1% pay rise and the warm knowledge that the person who takes half their salary in rent is going to get richer.

At Loughborough Royal Infirmary, Critical Care nurse Simone Williams was one of many to praise the generosity of the Exchequer towards the nice man that lets her rent one cramped bedroom in a house he inherited 15 years ago.

“It’s high time the government rewarded the real heroes of this pandemic, the baby boomers who’ve built a property portfolio.

“After twelve brutal months of seemingly unending work, lack of equipment, death as a daily companion and anti-mask idiots shouting at us, what I really want is an extra £4 a week and to listen to a patronising retiree tell me about how he’s eyeing some fixer-uppers in Stoke.”

Nurse Williams said she understood the vital need to help buy-to-let landlords by freezing stamp duty and said it was clearly a higher priority than nursing bursaries, subsidised housing for key workers, or having enough equipment to ready the NHS for the next pandemic.

She went on, “I just hope that one day I can meet our benefactor in person so I can tell him how grateful I am that my landlord can finally make enough to move to Florida.

“In fact, everyone at the hospital would love to meet the chancellor. Not to spoil the surprise, but someone might have won himself VIP colonoscopy with a special rig we made just for him.”

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