Thursday 4 March 2021 by Arabin Patson

Machiavellian Nicola Sturgeon instantly ends calls for resignation by joining Conservative Party


Sturgeon joins the Tories

In a political masterstroke, the SNP leader brandished her new Tory party membership card which immediately led her opponents to stop calling for her to step down and instead explain that she regrets people felt misled and that they now considered the matter closed.

Douglas Williams MSP, a prominent Scottish tory, conceded that the radical tactic had worked and he now felt compelled to defend Nicola Sturgeon for any crime she had committed, however vile.

“It was effective, I’ll give her that. Yesterday I was doing the TV rounds and telling all and sundry that Nicola’s actions were a threat to democracy and the rule of law and that she had to resign for the sake of the country.

“Then she showed us her membership card from the Glasgow branch so of course, I must now insist that she is the victim of a partisan witch hunt and that if she did in fact break the law – and we’re not saying she did – then she did it in a very specific and limited way.

“Now, if I am asked about the SNP’s leader I will say that her dictatorial use of state assets to purge her rivals has put paid to her separatist delusions of splitting up this great union. This is a dark day for Scottish politics.

“But if I have to comment on Nicola the fellow conservative, I will of course sigh loudly and say that this is the kind of ridiculous storm-in-a-tea-cup that hardworking British families are sick and tired of. The people of Scotland want us to get on with the job of governing not scoring cheap political points that only interest lazy journalists.

“Yes, I do need to drink a lot just to fall asleep. How did you guess?”

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