Wednesday 3 March 2021 by Arabin Patson

Shock as internal documents reveal Pontins thinks it’s in a position to be picky


Pontins discriminating

The nation was stunned as a leaked memo showed that the holiday camp company Pontins, affectionately known as the Prison Where You Pay, forgot it was a moribund company with the same life span as its senescent clients and could somehow afford to discriminate.

Speaking via Zoom on a company computer that runs Windows XP, managing director Simon Williams was adamant Pontins could allow itself a few breaches of anti-discrimination law as it was unlikely to impact the long term future of the British holiday purveyor.

He told us, “Personally speaking, I’ve got nothing against travellers, or the millions of people who share an incredibly commonplace Irish surname with some of them. But here at Pontins, we offer a distinct experience and we don’t want it to be ruined by people from the only socio-economic background that still thinks spending two weeks in a cramped bungalow in Kent is a fun family break.

“We will not hesitate to implement an astoundingly stupid act of naked bigotry to make sure unimaginative pensioners will not be disturbed as they eat school food in a drab building while being patronised by light-fingered staff whose only dream in life is to be in TOWIE.”

Mr Williams was confident that Pontin’s would weather this scandal and keep its place as Britain’s foremost destination for those who left it too late to book at Butlins.

He went on, “Frankly it’s part of our old-fashioned appeal. We are a feature of traditional British holidays and there is nothing more traditionally British than cretinous prejudice against people called O’Brien.

“I’m just glad no-one found the memo I sent about coloured people and swimming pools.”

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