Wednesday 3 March 2021 by Chris Ballard

Queen enjoying nights alone by watching Bridgerton and eating pickled onion Monster Munch in bed


Her Majesty the Queen is absolutely bloody loving not having to share a bed.

With Prince Philip still in the hospital, Elizabeth II is sleeping alone – and she fucking loves it.

“If you watch that lying programme The Crown you’ll probably believe that Philip and I sleep in separate beds,” she said.

“You’d think that we dramatically shut our bedroom doors as we say goodnight, our emotional distance mirrored by the physical separation of our completely unconnected suites.

“I wish! The truth is that Philip’s always been a randy old bugger and has a horrible habit of sticking his hands down my knickers just as I’m drifting off.

“These days he’s so cold and clammy it’s like being felt up by a corpse. Still, I suppose one can’t complain he’s not stiff.

“Honestly, the only thing that stupid programme gets right is that Thatcher was weird and creepy.

“Netflix isn’t all bad though. Bridgerton certainly gets the juices flowing – one does find it refreshing to witness sex which isn’t like a scene from Night of the Living Dead.

“However, by far the best thing about having one’s own bed is the ability to eat snacks. Philip won’t let me eat crisps because the crunching always makes him terrified his bones are snapping.

“Now I can eat pickled onion Monster Munch until I’m physically sick!

“And I do – don’t worry, someone always cleans it up.

“Right, better get back to Bridgerton while I still can – Philip wouldn’t approve of all these black people…”

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