Teachers to decide grades by making kids fight it out in a cage

author avatar by 3 years ago

This year GCSE and A-level grades will be determined by pupils’ prowess in hand to hand combat.

As teachers are given powers to determine their own pupils’ exam grades this year, many have leapt at the chance to do something they’ve hitherto only dreamed of – make the children fight in violent gladiatorial combat.

“I can’t believe this is really happening!” squealed excited teacher Simon Williams.

“Obviously I’m not allowed to touch the little shits, but now I’m actually going to get paid to watch them beat each other up!

“What I’m particularly looking forward to is seeing all the swotty twats take a pounding from the big fat bullies and end up with straight Fs.

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“Next year the universities will be full of idiots who never learned to spell their name properly, and who enjoy eating furniture.

“On the flip side, McDonald’s will be staffed by the brightest and best so they’ll never cock up my order again. It really is a win-win scenario.

“Grades will be determined by a combination of speed, technique and number of knockouts achieved.

“Bonus marks will be awarded for the successful execution of special moves such as eye gouges, testicle rips or spinning bird kicks.

“A* grades will only be awarded to the very best pupils – those who can kill their opponents with a spectacularly gory ‘fatality’ finishing move.

“This is brilliant! As a teacher, I never thought the day would come when I could honestly say that I enjoyed my job!”