Thursday 25 February 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Scientists succeed in reanimating the corpse of Phillip Hammond


Phillip Hammond reanimated by science

Scientists have successfully reanimated the corpse of ex-Chancellor Phillip Hammond, effectively bringing him back to life.

Mr Hammond’s death is the only explanation for his failure to speak out against the lies, malice and incompetence of the current government. A fate that seems to have befallen any number of Tory grandees from previous governments.

“To see the corpse of Phillip Hammond completely re-animated, moving around and speaking coherently about the economy in a BBC interview is an incredible scientific achievement,” explained Simon Williams, a political commentator.

“In many ways, he actually looked healthier now than when he was Chancellor.”

It is understood that the scientists worked from theories produced by a pioneering scientist in the 19th Century.

Based in a ruined castle in a fictional area of old eastern Europe, the scientists raised the corpse of Phillip Hammond through the open roof into a violent storm. When the corpse was struck by lightning, strange terminals amplified the electrical power and stabilised it allowing Mr Hammond to open his eyes, stand and shuffle slowly around the laboratory.

Despite a brief setback when Mr Hammond escaped into a nearby forest and terrorised locals with spreadsheets indicating the value of state prudence, the experiment has been seen as a success and, whilst many people at first glance would assume that Mr Hammond is a reanimated corpse, that was actually always the case when he was Chancellor, so there really is very little visible difference.

Although the development has been hailed as an incredible scientific breakthrough, there are concerns surrounding the ethics and morality of reanimating the corpses of Tory politicians, with many calling for Margaret Thatcher’s corpse to be cremated immediately, just in case.

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