Monday 22 February 2021 by Chris Ballard

Wine industry devastated as schools set to reopen

homeschooling wine consumption

Global wine markets are set to collapse almost overnight as homeschooling parents begin to step away from alcohol dependency.

With some UK primary schools starting to reopen and all schools in England set to go back on March 8th, the bottom is about to drop out of the lucrative homeschooling wine industry.

Typical parent Simon Williams describes his current booze-fueled classroom schedule.

“Breakfast is when my wife and I start the process of numbing the horrors of yet another day of endless screaming. This usually consists of pancakes served with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc – this provides a little acidity, just like a squeeze of lemon.

“At eleven o’clock – halfway through Maths – we have a few glasses of sherry and a bucks fizz. Just like Christmas but with even more arguing and crying.

“While the children refuse to eat their lunch we move onto the medium-bodied reds – a Merlot or Barbera is the perfect complement to an unwanted bowl of Marmite pasta.

“The afternoon is generally when we say ‘Ah fuck it’ and relax with a Prosecco while the kids frolic naked in the neighbours’ garden.

“After the absolute shitshow of the children’s bath and bedtime, it’s a glass of Port or two before we collapse unconscious on the living room carpet, ready to repeat the whole sorry affair the following day.

“I’ll be so glad when the schools go back so I can stop consuming all this wine and focus on my day job.

“That just requires a diet of Scotch and Solpadeine.”

“Homeschooling during 2020-21 was easy,” said no-one, ever – get the T-shirt!

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