Friday 19 February 2021 by Chris Ballard

Martian authorities force Perseverance rover to spend ten days in Travelodge


Mars perseverance rover forced to quarantine in travelodge

Nasa’s Perseverance rover has arrived on Mars only to be forced to quarantine in a shitty hotel.

Nasa has successfully landed its latest rover on the surface of Mars. However, before it can start gathering scientific data it has to quarantine in a hotel for ten days.

“Due to Covid, Earth is one of the travel destinations on Mars’ red list,” explained Nasa’s Simon Williams.

“We weren’t too concerned at first because the Martians call everything ‘red’ but it turns out that all Perseverance’s experiments have to be put on hold for a week and a half.

“Unfortunately, the only hotel near the Jezero crater is a Travelodge.

“It actually took ages for Perseverance to send us a message saying it had landed because first it had to pay for the shitty Travelodge wifi.

“It won’t even be able to send us any images because the connection speed is capped at 0.5 Mbps.

“Credit where it’s due though – the Martian Covid response seems better organised than the British. But the situation is still very frustrating.”

Perseverance itself is struggling to hold it together.

“This is going to cost me the best part of two grand!” it told reporters.

“And I bet those bastards back home won’t let me claim it on expenses.

“I wouldn’t have minded a shower after my seven-month journey. But the water in the Travelodge was cold, the pressure was terrible and I’m pretty sure that’s a semen stain on the shower curtain.

“Ah well, guess I’ll just sleep through it – there’s no sunlight in this room so my battery will die soon anyway.”

Isn’t the elephant in the room here that there’s intelligent life on Mars running a hotel?

“Yeah, but it’s a Travelodge,” said Professor Williams.

“Turns out that Mars is as bleak, desolate and boring as the moon.”

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