Keir Starmer accused of undermining core Labour Party principle of unelectability

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Infighting within the Labour party has intensified once again, with those from the party’s left-wing accusing leader Keir Starmer of undermining the core Labour principle of unelectability.

“Labour was founded on the principle of standing on the sidelines and shouting about how bloody awful everything is,” explained Simon Williams, Corbynista, beret-wearer, and very serious person.

“We don’t want someone leading the party who is going to betray all that with some popularist nonsense about getting into bloody power. Starmer out!

“I joined the Labour party to sit in shit pubs, smoking roll-ups, complaining about the bloody Tories and listening to the Redskins. I didn’t join to try and gain power. Power is for Tories and I want nothing to do with it.”

Older members of the party, such as Williams, remember the dark times of another Labour leader who abandoned that much-cherished principle of unelectabilty.

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“Tony bloody Blair,” he spat.

“Ten years of power. Ten years of implementing Labour policy. It was an utter disgrace. Labour is meant to oppose the Government. How could we oppose the Government when we were the bloody Government? That man betrayed everything I stood for and now Starmer is going the exact same way.”

The left have now sought to bring the row to a head by calling on Starmer to abandon any ambitions to win an election, to grow a beard and to start unequivocally blaming Israel for everyone’s problems.