Wednesday 17 February 2021 by Chris Ballard

Five-year-old decides he’ll make his parents wipe his bum for one more year


Boy sat on toilet

A five-year-old has calculated that he can get away with making his parents wipe his ass until he’s six.

Jake Williams is five. He enjoys having his arse wiped by other people so much that he’s reluctant to give it up.

“I’m perfectly capable of wiping my own bum,” he said. “When I’m in school I do it all the time.

“I just can’t be bothered.

“There are several factors at play here.

“Obviously I don’t really like having to deal with my own crap, especially when it’s all mushy and sticky.

“It’s also fun to make my folks deal with it, particularly Dad who still gags after all these years.

“Plus, I cannot deny that having my parents kneeling down in such a position of servitude gives me a wonderful feeling of superiority.

“I reckon that being five is definitely young enough for your parents to still consider you a helpless child.

“By my calculations, the same is also true for six-year-olds. Seven, however, would be pushing it.

“So basically I need to enjoy the next year of having a bum slave. Hmm, that sounds wrong but I’m too young to understand why.

“Anyway, I need to end this call now because I’ve finished my shit.

“Dad! I’m ready!”

Jake’s father Simon is being pragmatic about things.

“It would be nice not to have someone else’s faeces in my life,” he said.

“However, I try to look at it as an investment – with the state of social care in this country I’m pretty confident Jake will be returning the favour when he hits middle age.”

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