The tedium of lockdown has driven a man to such a state of desperation that he thought he might as well give a whole Pink Floyd Album a go.
After nearly a year of being stuck indoors, Simon Williams is coming apart at the seams.
“I really need to start looking after myself because yesterday was a bit of a wake-up call,” he sobbed.
“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sick to death of biscuits and completely bored of masturbation.
“So I ended up actually listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘Animals’ LP from beginning right through to the end without breaks.
“The first five or ten minutes were actually pretty good. But then a horrid screechy guitar solo started and it just sort of went on and on forever, as if the band had run out of musical inspiration but knew they still had to record an entire album’s worth of material.
“In normal times I’d have simply turned it off but I just let it keep going and going. I mean, what else was I going to do? Watch another episode of ‘Glorious Gardens from Above’?
“It’s funny how you justify things to yourself when you’re not in your right mind. Sixteen minutes into ‘Dogs’ I remember thinking, ‘Maybe there’ll be a good bit in a minute. Then I’ll stop’.
“But of course the good bit never comes and you just sink deeper and deeper into an existential fugue.
“I suppose if my loved ones were allowed to come and see me they’d have staged an intervention. As it stands, I need to find my own inner strength.
“I’ve now burned my copy of ‘The Final Cut’ – lest I ever be tempted to take it out of its cellophane packaging.”
Guitarist David Gilmour said, “Oh God! That album was never designed to be listened to! It was when Roger took over the band and the rest of us stopped trying.
“I’m so sorry for any distress caused.”