Scientists: We could learn to live with Tories ‘like we do the flu’

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A new scientific study has suggested that it might be possible to permanently live with the Tories in the same way that we’ve learnt to live with diseases like the flu.

The suggestion seems to indicate that, despite the terrible harm that Tories regularly wreak on the country, it may be possible to get back to some sort of normality and exist alongside Tories.

“I think this study shows that with concerted effort and new protective measures, it should be possible to mitigate the effects of Tories on the country, and people could potentially just go about their business without too much detriment to their daily lives,” said Eleanor Gay, Professor of Terrible Things at Oxford University.

“We have learnt to live with the flu, through treatments and vaccines, and I’m sure that the country can learn to live with Tories in a similar way.”

It is not clear, however, if people will support this strategy.

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“I see what the study’s getting at,” said Simon Williams, a cypher for narrating the thoughts of the writer of this piece.

“But I think it might be safer if we adopted a ‘zero Tory’ approach. That seems to have worked really well in countries like New Zealand and Finland.

“I mean, we’ve tried to live with the Tories for ten years now and they’ve trashed the economy, cut us off from our neighbours, mishandled a pandemic, and made Chris Grayling a figure of responsibility.

“It hasn’t worked so far, and I’m not sure it will in the future.”

Regardless of the opinions of people like Mr Williams, Conservative MP David Davis seemed to sum up the current prevailing attitude in Government and the country.

“There will always be a death toll from Tories,” he told Radio 4 Today.

“People will just have to learn to live with it.”