As coroners finally print out all the death certificates from December’s disastrous relaxing of the rules, Boris Johnson announced he is willing to once again send thousands of Brits to an early grave so as to look like the saviour of a cherished family holiday.
Simon Williams, the political advisor attached to SAGE scientists so they don’t get in the way of the important government business of earning puff pieces in the Daily Mail, explained that the British people were tired and needed a well-deserved spike in infections.
“Boris is a man of the people who feels for everyday hard-working families, many of who are still grieving their dead from the time we said meeting up for Christmas was a good idea.
“What they want is for someone to make a big fuss about a holiday most people don’t celebrate – beyond getting a giant chocolate egg – and then have a great time mingling with people they will unwittingly infect.”
Mr Williams denied this was yet another grim episode of Boris Johnson ignoring the science and caving to red-faced backbenchers who want the pubs re-opened so they can drink themselves oblivious away from their resentful families.
He went on, “It’s easy for the press to portray Boris Johnson as a weak-willed imbecile whose pathological need to be the life of the party means he will give in to whoever berates him the longest.
“But he is also a Christian and he knows that people need to celebrate their faith in these trying times.
“Jesus died for all our sins and Boris sees no reason why thousands of British people should not be allowed to die for his.”