Daily Mail readers across the country are popping blood vessels in their eyes left right and centre this morning after learning of Meghan Markle’s victory against their favourite bastion of truth.
Derek Williams, 67, began shaking and straining at the neck this morning as he read about Markle’s victory against the Daily Mail in the High Court.
As Williams continued to read details of her victory against the newspaper he has relied on for thirty years, witnesses described an infrequent nasal snort to relieve the pressure building up inside his head before the his’s left eye finally blew a blood vessel to leave it looking hideously bloodshot.
Derek’s wife of 42 years, Margaret, told us, “It’s not a pretty sight to be honest.
“Getting himself worked up about that ‘uppity black American lady taking liberties with our royal family’ is his thing, obviously, but most of the time he just screams at me from the front room that ‘she’s at it at again Margaret!’ and then reads about how many migrant boats came across yesterday.
“But this morning was different. As soon as he found out she’d actually won in court, despite the Daily Mail doing nothing but tell the truth, he lost it completely.
“I’ve had to put the newspapers and all mention of Meghan in the bin, it’s for his own safety.
“If he reads the bit about her potentially winning a sizable monetary settlement, and how the money he has paid to buy his copy of the paper might contribute to her never needing to get a ‘proper job’, then I’d worry about his heart.”