Vulnerable Spurs defence leaps to head of vaccine queue

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Tottenham Hotspur’s defence has been made a priority for the Covid vaccine after being identified as an extremely vulnerable group.

After conceding five goals in last night’s FA Cup tie against Everton, the Spurs defence has been categorised alongside care home residents and frontline health workers on the coronavirus vaccine priority list.

“The Spurs defence was so weak and pathetic that we immediately reprioritised the vaccine rollout,” said Health Secretary Matt Hancock.

“Never mind the relatively robust over-70s, the Spurs backline will obviously collapse at the slightest attack – and Covid-19 is highly aggressive, certainly far more potent than Everton. If we don’t act now it’ll be carnage, as we’ve learnt the hard way – oops!”

Spurs goalkeeper Hugo Lloris is at the very front of the queue.

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“I used to think I was invincible,” he said. “But I’m beginning to realise just how exposed and defenceless I am.

“I never go to the supermarket without wearing my massive gloves – I even challenge fellow shoppers who don’t seem to think their hands need to be covered.

“But it’s not enough – my underlying fragility means that I’m simply too exposed.”

Manager Jose Mourinho said, “My defenders didn’t turn up last night. That’s because the doctors told them to stay home and shield themselves because they are so demonstrably feeble.

“Unfortunately, that meant they were not available to shield the goal.

“But that is in the past now. We get vaccinated, we go again.”

Meanwhile, West Brom fans are livid that their frail defenders are not being vaccinated.

“It’s so unfair!” said Baggies fan Simon Williams.

“It’s one rule for the London metropolitan elite and one rule for the rest of the country!”