New Government guidelines on unsafe cladding include ‘Don’t set fire to anything’ and ‘Pray’

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Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick yesterday announced a raft of measures to tackle the problem of unsafe cladding on England’s high-rises.

These measures included guidelines to not set fire to anything, to stop using electricity and gas and to pray that nothing bad happens.

“I am confident that if residents adhere to these guidelines, then they will be quite safe,” he said.

“The key is not to set fire to things, because if you do that and that cladding goes up? Hoo boy. You are in trouble. So, no setting fire to anything. In fact, I would say, no naked flames within 100 metres of one of these buildings, just to be sure. So, if you’re in your flat and you notice someone outside lighting a cigarette then run down and ask them not to.

“Stop using gas and electricity. A huge proportion of fires are started by faulty appliances. Instead, just wrap yourself in a blanket and eat cold beans from the tin. Perhaps turn it into a game? You can pretend you’re in Mad Max or some other future nightmare world.

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“Finally – pray. I mean, there’s no one else who’s going to help, so try appealing to your God instead.”

As well as the guidelines, the Government have promised a £500 fund for those who live in dangerous high-rises to apply to.

“Yes, be quick though, because once that £500 is gone, then it’s gone. It would have been more, but the wood-panelling interior on my government car was a little chipped so I needed it replacing, and that doesn’t come cheap, let me tell you.

“It’s a scandal.”