Wednesday 10 February 2021 by Chris Ballard

UK arrivals who hide ‘high-risk’ journeys face ten years in Pontins

Pontins lockdown

Travellers who lie about having visited Red List countries will face incredibly harsh punishment – a decade locked inside a Pontins holiday camp.

Audible gasps were heard around the House of Commons yesterday as Health Secretary Matt Hancock outlined the consequences for UK arrivals who hid the fact they’d been to a Covid hotspot.

“Lying about such a thing is potentially murderous,” explained Mr Hancock. “Jail would be too good for the perpetrators of such a heinous crime.

“The penalty for misleading authorities about your country of origin will be ten years in a Pontins camp. No exceptions!”

At this point, Jacob Rees-Mogg asked what on earth a ‘Pontins’ was. Upon being shown some photographs, he fainted.

Human rights activist Simon Williams says that the government has gone too far.

“I completely understand the need for travel restrictions,” he said. “But this is cruel and barbaric.

“At least prison cells get cleaned occasionally. The same cannot be said of Pontins chalets.

“In such establishments, the bathroom floor is likely to be strewn with used toilet paper; the pillows still covered with the biscuit crumbs which fell from the mouth of the previous occupant.

“Even inmates’ exercise breaks won’t give them a break from appalling levels of sanitation. The swimming pool will be approximately 30% mould, 12% dirty nappies.

“By increasing the number of people exposed to Pontins surely we’re creating a hotbed of disease far worse than Covid?”

Responding to the criticism, Matt Hancock said, “Don’t worry – anyone who visits a Pontins will need to quarantine for ten days in South America.”

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