Tuesday 9 February 2021 by Chris Ballard

UK terrorism threat level lowered because it is now such a well-loved, bridge-building nation


Priti Patel terror threat level

The UK’s terror threat has been downgraded from ‘Fuuck!’ to the more relaxed ‘Shiiit!’

Following a reduction in terrorist activity across Europe, Home Secretary Priti Patel has announced that the UK’s overall threat level is now a milder form of panicked expletive.

“I’d like to be clear that this still means an attack is likely,” explained Ms Patel. “We’re not yet at ‘OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!’ so I wouldn’t want anyone to get complacent.

“I know this terminology can be a little opaque and confusing so let me state it in layman’s terms – we’ve gone from ‘Argh!’ to ‘Eek!’

“Obviously the new threat level is a reflection of how well-loved we are by the international community. Because we are such a tolerant, bridge-building nation there are very few who would seek to harm us.

“It has nothing to do with the fact that Covid-restrictions have removed most of the targets for terrorist attacks such as large crowds and congested transport hubs.

“Rest assured that the excellent work of our intelligence services means that we are optimistic about being able to further reduce the level to ‘Yikes!’ or perhaps even ‘Ah Bollocks!’ in the coming years.”

It should be noted that the Home Office’s own threat level remains at ‘Please don’t hurt me!’ while Ms Patel remains in charge.

In other news, despite a steady drop in cases, the country’s Covid-19 alert level remains at ‘Clusterfuck’.

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