Tuesday 9 February 2021 by Pete Redfern

Having a giant Union Jack behind you on video calls an acceptable substitute for doing a good job, insist Tories


zoom call union jack

Being in possession of at least one Union flag and having it visible in your lounge during Zoom interviews with the media is a good substitute for talent, the Conservative Party have today confirmed.

As the number of video interviews with Tory politicians has increased during the pandemic, some have been noted that in every single one the interviewed minister appeared to have bedecked their lounge, study, or in Matt Hancock’s case, his downstairs toilet, with an eight-foot tall Union flag or two.

“The reason for this is two-fold,” Conservative Party spokesperson Simon Williams told us over Zoom, the Union Jack in their background obscuring photos on the wall of his own kids.

“Firstly, if you don’t have a Union flag flying in your house then this is a clear sign to all that you hate Britain and everyone in her, wish to depose Her Majesty the Queen, and would like nothing more than to see Britain sink beneath the waves it once ruled, never to be seen again.

“And secondly, having a Union flag draped over your kid’s school trophies in the background of your TV interviews shows that you take such pride in the country that even if you are so bad at your job that over a hundred thousand people die, you are still a trustworthy person.”

Keen to tap into public support at all costs, Leader of the Opposition Sir Keir Starmer was spotted erecting a Union flag in the study of his house and was heard to ask a staff member “Will I gain or lose the nationalist vote if I openly masturbate over it?”

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