Friday 5 February 2021 by Pete Redfern

Jackie Weaver tipped to be next Speaker of the House of Commons

Jackie Weaver

Jackie Weaver is looking likely to be appointed as the new Speaker of the House of Commons, it has been announced.

Ms Weaver, a meeting clerk from Handforth, is set to be given the position after demonstrating her natural ability to control angry red-faced middle-aged men with a zen-like calmness.

“We’ve all seen how she handled that parish council meeting,” said political commentator Simon Williams.

“It appears that raging middle-aged men trying to wield power to make up for their erectile dysfunction are present in all strata of government, and we need women like Jackie Weaver to tell them to pipe down, or as we saw, to kick them out of the meeting completely and without hesitation.”

He went on, “John Bercow was pretty good, but eventually we just ended up being amused at how he bellowed ‘Orrrrrrdddddddeeerrrrr’, and Lindsay Hoyle is just, well, too nice to be in the post.

“It’s just such a shame that Jackie Weaver wasn’t in charge of the Brexit negotiations, we might have ended up with a half-decent deal.”

Jackie Weaver was unavailable to comment, having unplugged her router to avoid any more calls from the self-appointed ‘Handforth Parish Council clerk’ whose real identity remains a mystery.

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