Tuesday 2 February 2021 by Chris Ballard

UK’s selection of trading partners inspired by reality TV show Married At First Sight


Liz Truss trade policy

Hit reality show Married at First Sight has directly inspired the Department for International Trade’s method of choosing trading partners.

‘Married at First Sight’ is a reality television series in which people who’ve never met are paired up by ‘experts’ and then immediately get married. Trashy entertainment format, or the very basis of UK international trade policy? Yes, unfortunately, it’s the latter.

“This is going to do wonders for our future trading relationships,” said junior Trade Minister Simon Williams.

“Just like in the show, highly sophisticated algorithms and subject matter experts will pair the UK with trading partners based on shared values and beliefs.

“At least, that was the original plan but we kept getting matched with Afghanistan and other countries which seem to tolerate chronically malnourished children.

“So now instead of ‘sophisticated algorithms’ Liz Truss just downs some Tequila and spins the Cabinet Room’s globe-shaped drinks trolley. Wherever it stops, she does a trade deal.

“And instead of ‘subject matter experts’ we have Boris Johnson and Dominic Raab arguing about whether or not ‘Bongo Bongo Land’ is a real country. Obviously it isn’t, but somehow that didn’t stop us signing up to the BBL Free Trade Agreement.

“We’ve also made a pact with a small, unnamed coral atoll in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Unnamed! It is only now we are freed from the shackles of the EU that we can be first in line to such tropical bounties!

“It’s not all alcohol-induced nonsense though. Only this morning we signed a deal with Zambia which is going to drastically reduce the cost of our termite imports. I’m reliably informed they’re full of protein and taste like whitebait. Mmm, did somebody say Just Eat?

“If you’re still sceptical about our methods I should point out that it’s not the first time Government policy has been influenced by reality TV. David Cameron actually got the idea for the Brexit referendum when he caught ten minutes of ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!’ in the Ministerial Common Room.

“And that all turned out fine.”

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