Saturday 30 January 2021 by Arabin Patson

Tragedy as Daily Mail readers wank themselves to death after EU finally makes mistake


Daily Mail on EU's vaccine stance

Elation tragically turned to sorrow yesterday as the EU’s hamfisted handling of vaccines export restrictions gave Brexiters one glorious moment of vindication that soon turned deadly as the subsequent rage-wanking was so violent it killed thousands.

Amanda Williams, the recently bereaved widow of a Brexit Party supporter who was found dead with his M&S Y-fronts round his ankles and a bloodied penis in his hand, said she blamed the EU for her husband Simon’s death.

“It was so predictable. He had spent four harsh years seeing the EU behave perfectly rationally throughout the entire Brexit process, all while he watched the UK pratfall from disaster to predictable disaster while claiming it always wanted to face-plant into dogshit.

“So when Brussels finally conformed to his paranoid rantings about an evil superstate by acting like complete pricks who immediately U-turn under a bit of pressure, Simon didn’t know how to handle it.

He went for a celebratory fury wank, like he does after writing an anonymous letter to the council complaining about too many Muslims in Tesco, but usually he stops when it gets too painful. However, this time he was in the shed for over two hours and I could hear him grunting and calling Ursula von der Leyen a filthy whore when suddenly I heard a thud and everything went quiet.

“The paramedics said there would have to be an autopsy but they think it’s the blood loss from his torn todger that did him in. That or he just stroked out.”

Early estimates put the deaths in the thousands but the true figure may never be known as local NHS trusts are overwhelmed by the competing demands of burying COVID casualties and putting out press statements about the UK being world-beating at vaccinations.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader), get yours here!

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