Friday 29 January 2021 by James Backhouse

Billionaires announce that ‘Free Market’ will now have a million-dollar entry fee

Hedge fund managers closing loopholes

After stock market mayhem which saw multi-millionaires being taken to the cleaners by thousands of ordinary people, an alliance of like-minded fat-cats has announced that in order to protect the future of their yacht fleets, the free market will now charge one million dollars for entry.

“I’m so angry about this GameStop business!” said out-of-pocket hedge fund manager Simon Williams.

“So angry I went to kick the dog, then remembered that for tax reasons he’s domiciled in Monaco. I’ve lost so much money I’ve had to give up lighting my cigars with 50-pound notes, and lighting them with 50-pence coins is bloody difficult, I can tell you.

“These amateur traders must have acted illegally. Does ‘insider trading’ ring a bell? It’s called that because we don’t want ‘outsiders’ doing it.

“To prevent something like this happening again we formed Corporations Unhappy with Novice Traders – we’re pleased with the name as our market research indicates the acronym is already strongly associated with people like myself.

“Speaking of acronyms, the ‘free’ in free-market actually stands for ‘Fat-cats Robbing Everyone Else’.

“From now on all money-making activities will be restricted to those who can stump up a million bucks to get started. Don’t worry, you can keep earning a tiny wage at one of our companies – until we decide to destroy it as part of our own stock market manipulation of course.”

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