Thursday 28 January 2021 by Pete Redfern

Boris Johnson stops off at Barnard Castle on way to Scotland for a quick eye test


Boris at Barnard castle

Boris Johnson has made a stop off on his way up to Scotland to stretch his legs and quickly test his vision.

The Prime Minister set off this morning on his journey to show his face in Scotland, a visit which he mistakenly believes will help strengthen feelings of unity between the Scottish and the rest of the United Kingdom, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Conservative Party spokesperson Eleanor Gay told the press, “Yes, the rumours are true that Boris is today travelling several hundred miles during a national lockdown, but this is classed as ‘essential travel’ because, well, he says it is, so shut up.”

She went on, “It is also true that he intends to stop off at Barnard Castle to stretch his legs, have a wee, flirt with a few ladies, and to see if his eyesight has been affected by the Coronavirus that he bravely fought off in March, which definitely happened.

“The opportunities for driving around a tourist hotspot with potentially dangerous vision are just more readily available in that area of the country, no-one knows why.”

News of his impending visit, which Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon explicitly advised again only a couple of days ago, have led to many calls for the Prime Minister to abandon the trip and adhere to the current lockdown rules.

“Oh I do hope it’s not cancelled,” said one SNP voter, Simon McWilliams.

“I’d have wasted all that time on a sign saying ‘F*** off Boris!’ for nothing.”

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