Boris to save Union by promising “a shiny ha’penny and a dram to each Scotchman and his bonnie lass”

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In a bid to stamp out the growing popularity in Scotland for independence, the Prime Minister will head north of the Tweed to garner goodwill by distributing trinkets and performing his hilarious impression of a Highlander who does not like to spend money.

Simon Despenser-Williams MP, Junior Minister for Scotland who’s pretty sure his father owns a shooting estate near Inverness or something, said that the government was confident Boris Johnson’s delicate touch would convince the Scots to stay in the Union.

He told us “Och hoots mon, as they are fond of saying in North Britain.

“We all know the haggis-eaters are just going through a painted face phase. I can’t see any better way to convince them of the benefit of Union than by sending the living embodiment of a posh English twat to make silly jokes that stopped being funny around the same time Jim Davidson did.

“I’m sure the good folk of Edinburgh will completely forget being forced out of the EU after seeing their very own Prime Minister sing that song about Donald and his trousers or asking ginger people if their genitals smell bad.”

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Mr Despenser-Williams was keen to point out that the Number 10 was not stuck in antiquated viewpoints of Scotland.

“It’s easy to portray Boris as a Home Counties toff who thinks anyone north of Hendon is an irrelevant serf but he is aware of the issues relevant in modern Scotland.

“And that’s why once he gets there he will announce the legalisation of heroin and no more VAT on deep-fried Mars Bars!”

“He just needs to get his shots first. Do you know if the tap water is safe over there?”