Wednesday 20 January 2021

White House housekeeper relieved to be incinerating her last-ever orange-stained pillow


Donald Trump's White House pillows incinerated

The White House housekeeping team is this morning celebrating their final visit to the onsite incinerator to dispose of yet another pillow that is entirely beyond repair.

Betty Williams, 62, has been part of the housekeeping team under five presidents and insists she has never felt good about destroying the bedding used by Donald Trump every time he sleeps on it.

She went on, “Yes, I suppose technically he destroyed the pillow first, that’s true – but I consider it a personal failure that I was unable to get his pillows clean after he’d slept on them.

“I don’t know what he uses to give himself that special orange glow, but it sticks to the pillows like tar to a smokers lung.”

Williams explained that incineration was actually a move of last resort.

“After we realised boiling them and industrial stain removers were useless, we started offering them to a local homeless shelter, but they rejected them on the grounds of hygiene.  Incinerating them was the only way to dispose of them because apparently putting the president’s DNA into the trash is ‘bad thing’.

“After the first year, we mentioned to his staff that maybe the President would consider having a shower before bed, just to do his bit for the environment, but apparently he likes to look at himself in the mirror while in bed, and the face of a pasty-looking 74-year-old you barely recognise staring back at you is not conducive to a good night’s sleep.

“Anyway, it’s breakfast time, so I’m not even going to mention the state of his sheets.”

Grab yourself a mug of delicious MAGA Tears right here!

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