Wednesday 20 January 2021 by Arabin Patson

Jacob Rees-Mogg vindicated as British fish left delighted at collapse of UK fishing industry


Jacob Rees-mogg proven right as fish delighted

Critics of Jacob Rees-Mogg, a politician and Slender Man cosplayer, have been forced to swallow humble pie after his much-derided quip, about British fish being happy, was proven right as most sea creatures agreed Brexit increased their survival chances dramatically.

Simon Williams, a halibut from the waters just off Bridlington, said that he was indeed overjoyed at the way Brexit was going to wipe out Britain’s fishing fleet within a couple of years.

He went on, “I’m a labour fish myself, as most flounders are, but I have to give it to Jacob. Every fish I know is as happy as can be.

“Not only will the more efficient European boats not come here as often, but the government’s lack of preparation for Brexit means the domestic boats are utterly fucked as they can’t sell their catch.

“Since Brits only eat cod, salmon and whatever shavings of Mekong catfish they put in fish fingers, we’re in a safe haven now. I plan to spawn a lot, safe in the knowledge that I can raise my fingerlings quietly for at least a decade before the UK begs Spanish and Dutch fishermen to come here and use up their quotas.”

Although aquatic wildlife has confirmed they are now living in the sunny uplands promised by Brexit, their human predators have converged on London in their trucks to protest the impending death of their livelihoods.

Fishing Industry spokespeople warned that their members were considering more drastic action like dumping rotting shellfish in front of Nr 10 or perhaps even, should things get desperate, considering the implications of a policy before voting for it.

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