Tuesday 19 January 2021 by Lucas Wilde

‘Self-isolating’ Matt Hancock caught space-hopping to Hedingham Castle ‘to test his hearing’


Matt Hancock space hopper

The Tories are bloody well at it again.

Where once there was Dominic Cummings driving to Barnard Castle “to test his eyesight”, now the Health Secretary formerly known as Matt Hancock has been spotted space-hopping to Hedingham Castle to make sure he isn’t going deaf.

“Saw him on the A1017,” confirmed local resident, Simon Williams.

“My first reaction was ‘what’s a fully grown man in a suit doing on a space hopper’, and then my second reaction was ‘well blow me down, it’s that shiny-school-boy-robot from off the news’.

“I shouted ‘Oi, wanker!’ which he immediately acknowledged. I guess he’s used to that greeting by now.

“He stopped bouncing down the road and I asked what he was doing, and he looked all panicked and explained he thought he was going deaf, so he decided to space-hop the eleven miles to Hedingham Castle.”

“The fact he didn’t say ‘pardon?’ during our entire conversation rather suggests that his hearing is fine.”

Speaking via video call, Matt Hancock commented, “In space-hopping to Hedingham Castle, I believe I acted both legally and a morally, and in a way that can’t be described as fucking bonkers.

“In the mid-morning of January 19th, my hearing suddenly became impaired to the extent that I could only function about as well as the NHS under my guidance.

“Following this, I took the space-hopper from the box marked ‘peasant toys for photo-ops’ and began bouncing in the direction of Hedingham Castle in an effort to assess my hearing.

“I believe my plan was both logical and ethical while in keeping with the Tory tradition of ‘one rule for you lot and one rule for us’.”

A spokesperson for Number Ten said, “The Health Secretary has the same, full-throated support of the Prime Minister that Dominic Cummings previously had.

“By which I mean he’ll be sacked in six months.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get yours here!

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