Monday 18 January 2021 by Arabin Patson

We have badges for all sorts of attention-seeking twats, says Amazon


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Amazon harnessed a touch of celebrity glamour during the UK launch of a new line of tragicomic badges that annoying anti-maskers and other talking clagnuts can use to harass underpaid workers trying to get them to behave like adults during a pandemic.

Laurent Weasel, the dimly remembered actor of some Midsomer Murders rip-off and full-time fuckwad, became the face of a product that tapped into the growing market of tedious wankers trying to go viral by screaming about sovereignty to an overworked and under-appreciated Morrison’s cashier.

In a glitzy media launch live from his parent’s attic conversion, the cantankerous entertainer said he was proud to be the first wearer of a badge with no legal merit whatsoever, but which loudly marks out the bearer to be an entitled prick.

He told reporters, “As someone who has flushed his career down the toilet by becoming a right-wing edgelord visibly unable to move on from my divorce, I needed something to protect my god-given rights as a freeman of the common.

“Now, if the woke jackbooted fascists of the National Harm Service try to force me to wear a mask, I can use the mighty power of a laminated card of poorer quality than the ‘Helper’ badges given out at a school sports day.

“And I know this because I have to be accompanied by one if I want to see my children without my much more famous ex-wife present.

“I look forward to poncing around the shops with this around my neck while some minimum wage sales assistant is forced to endure my whiny attempts to claim victimhood, even though I’ve spent my entire life being propelled by the good name of my hugely embarrassed family.

“Not happy? Debate me!”

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