Sunday 17 January 2021 by Pete Redfern

Hungry schoolchildren advised to become racist statues if they want the government to start caring for them


child in poverty

Hungry schoolchildren living below the poverty line across the country have been advised to become statues of racists, and quickly.

With the news that Robert Jenrick MP is to introduce legislation to protect the rights of cast-iron versions of racists who died centuries ago, hungry school kids have been urged to consider careers as statues.

The Communities Secretary released a statement this morning saying, “Protecting statues is a priority for me, as now we are in the sunlit uplands of Brexit, there is literally nothing else going on in society for me to have concerns about.

“These strong, silent statues are mementoes of our great colonial past, and I will protect them with all my might, which I’m sure is what my constituents want me to focus at the minute.”

Mother of two Eleanor Gay, who lost her job due to the covid outbreak, told us, “My kids were just finishing their government-provided lunch of half a carrot and a Frube when we heard about Jenrick’s plans.

“Clearly the only communities he actually cares about are the ones made of metal or stone that provide a likeness of notable proponents of the British colonial past, so it’s clear my children are going to have to model themselves on those statues or be left behind.”

She added, “I’m confident they’ll be looked after this way. They’re pretty good at musical statues, so this is just the next level up.”

Other groups reportedly considering becoming racist statues are fishermen, lorry drivers, farmers, and Fatima the ballerina.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get your T-shirt here!

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