Friday 15 January 2021

Donald Trump compared to Jesus after newly-discovered Bible verse chronicles the divinity of ‘pussy grabbing’


Pussy grabbing in the bible

Outgoing twice-impeached President Donald Trump is today being likened to Jesus Christ by Republicans after the discovery of a new bible verse in which pussy-grabbing is considered the behaviour of the ‘divine’.

Republican congressman Chad Williams told us, “To the outside world, an inveterate liar who’s been married three times, and cheated on his third wife with a porn-star while she recovered from the birth of his fifth child might not seem like divine material – but it’s right there in the text.

“As it says:

Be strong and grab that pussy if thou is famous, for that is thine right, and they shall welcome it. For only the true children of the Lord God will be able to grab that pussy without consequence.

“I really don’t think it can be any clearer, which means those do-nothing Democrats looking to impeach the President are almost certainly driven by Satan, and anyone who insists I should keep such religious opinions out of politics because of the very clear separation of church and state can burn in the fires of hell as far as I’m concerned.”

Meanwhile, religious scholars have already begun to cast doubt on the veracity of the newly discovered bible verse, given it was discovered by Don Trump Junior, written in crayon, and appears to be on White House headed stationary.

As one priest told us, “Look, I don’t want to come right out and say that Republicans, and especially the Trump family, will happily manipulate the truth so that religious Americans will do their bidding for personal and political gain, but I will say that if there is a Hell, they are all definitely going there.”

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