Keir Starmer’s past has finally caught up with him.
The Labour leader and pie chart enthusiast’s dour demeanour, analytical nature and seeming lack of any kind of personality has been explained by the explosive revelation that he was an agent in the Matrix prior to humanity’s truce with the machines.
“Ah yessssss,” confirmed Agent Smith, a former colleague of Keir Starmer.
“Starmer…Agent Starmer…I remember him well… a one-note piece of programming who would do whatever he was told. I always thought he would become a politician.
“He took out several human anomalies before Neo turned up and kicked the ever-living shit out of him, which is why he has that somewhat sad expression all the time. He never really got over it.”
A Labour spokesperson said, “It is true that Mr Starmer was once part of a program to enslave and repress the entire human race.
“But it’s important for our progress as a society that we focus on where we are going, not where we have been.”