Brexit U-turn as prominent leavers demand open borders after one ham sandwich confiscated

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Brussels was celebrating today as the simple act of enforcing their rules at their borders instantly turned rabid brexiteers into staunch advocates of ending all borders and allowing everything and anyone to pass between nations unhindered.

Francois Bridgen MP, a suppository-shaped member of the ERG who doesn’t pay VAT on his shoes, told the press that, although he has been railing against freedom of movement since 1998, he has now decided borders should be places of open transit without regulation.

“I’m man enough to admit when we are defeated. I had always dreamed of a UK border where anally-retentive chubsters who failed the exam to join the police harassed people coming into the UK while deluding themselves they are the Night’s Watch or some shit.

“It never occurred to me that those fiendish Europeans would also think of doing the same, albeit in a jovial Dutch manner that easily went viral.

“I hate to admit it, but Brussels is playing some three-dimensional chess here. The idea of applying all rules consistently and without exception was a cunning masterstroke.

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“I have no choice but to go to the tabloids and demand slack border controls even though it makes me look like an imbecile who did not even read up on the basics of what he was stridently demanding.”

The Dutch customs authorities denied that they were trying to reverse the Brexit deal by stealth and simply stated they would confiscate British sandwiches as a standard sanitary precaution.

Asked if they feared retaliatory measures by the UK Border Force, the Dutch government said it was unlikely, as most experts in the matter agreed the UK Home Office was “tragically slow-witted and laughably incompetent.”