Thursday 7 January 2021 by Lucas Wilde

America great again


America great again

America is now officially great again.

Following the storming of the capitol building by Trump supporters, and in consideration of the last four years of racial tension, diplomatic embarrassment and piss-poor pandemic planning, the USA has now been rubber-stamped as “great”.

“We did it, folks,” beamed Trump, a mere 24-hours after shitting all over the democratic process of free and fair elections.

“As the lawmakers of congress emerge from behind their desks, shaking in fear, and as the battered and bloody protestors and police officers limp away from the Capitol building, and as I survey the 361,000 deaths from coronavirus in the most advanced nation on earth, I can say with confidence that America is truly great again.”

“Well done, me,” concluded Trump, before applauding himself and walking off to Dwayne Johnson’s You’re Welcome from the official Moana soundtrack.

“I mean this doesn’t FEEL great,” queried Senator Simon Williams, looking on as cleaners mopped the last of the protestor-piss from his desk in the Capitol building.

“It feels like a bunch of protestors just ran through and ransacked the corridors of power while waving a confederate flag, spurred on by the very man sworn in to preserve, protect and defend the constitution of the United States.

“It also feels like the country is more divided than ever thanks to a man who was elected on a ticket dedicated to division.

“I’m an old man, but I’m sure the definition of ‘great’ hasn’t changed, and we’re not great right now, we’re limping – some of us quite literally; I think Barbara still has some glass stuck in her leg.”

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