Government sticking to plans for schools to return next week, until next week

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The government has advised that it is sticking to its current plans for schools in England to return next week, until next week when it will reveal they are not.

With infection rates continuing to rise in England, and many believing that schools could now be prevented from opening as part of further possible ‘tier 5’ restrictions placed on some parts of the country, the government has moved to assure the nation that there will definitely be no change to its current plans on the reopening of schools, until next week when they are actually due to reopen.

Speaking earlier today Cabinet Minister Michael Gove confirmed, “Yes, all schools are definitely opening, no question about that, absolutely no plans to change this whatsoever.

“Until next week, when it’s probably best to shut them in full, rather than just let some in and keep some at home – which would be a bit of a daft idea to be honest, we’ll probably change that.

“Obviously the current plans will need to be followed until next week, including the arrangement of a mass testing system within the schools to be rolled out by teachers with no warning, training or facilities in place.

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“Before we finally decide to cancel the whole thing altogether and place the whole country in Tier 8.”

Asked if schools should just prepare for online teaching now in order to be better prepared we were told, “No, they are all reopening, for now. Are you not listening?”