Wednesday 23 December 2020 by Neil Tollfree

“I played bass in A-ha, my Dad invented the Rubiks Cube and I’m World Pac-man Champion” – Boris Johnson


Boris is amazing

In a wide-ranging speech yesterday Boris Johnson claimed that he used to play bass with Take On Me hitmakers A-ha, that his Dad invented the Rubiks Cube and that he is the World Champion at Pac-man.

He also claimed to have played for the Netherlands in the 1998 World Cup and to have scored the decisive goal in the second-round match against Yugoslavia.

Another surprising revelation was that, apparently, the SAS had once tried to recruit him after he took part in a top-secret mission behind enemy lines during the first Iraq war where he had the opportunity to kill Saddam Hussain but was ordered not to, so he punched him in the face instead.

He turned the SAS down because, at the time, he was a top British spy who had a Ferrari and everything.

Excitingly, he said that he had a limited edition Grifter bike that his uncle, who first designed the Grifter, gifted to him one Christmas.

He also claimed to be able to do three hundred press-ups, to be a genius hacker whose secret identity is ‘Spook’ and that he starred in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Finally, he made it clear that he had got off with loads and loads of girls but that those present had just never met them because they were all in a different town where his nan lives.

Shortly after the speech ended, Matt Hancock appeared on the news to deny that Johnson had made any of the claims that he’d just made and that people should stop talking Britain down.

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