Tuesday 22 December 2020 by Arabin Patson

Churchillian Boris tells Macron in no uncertain terms that the British Lion will do exactly as it’s told


Boris Johnson gives in to Macron

In the spirit of an emboldened United Kingdom staking its claim on the global stage, a combative Boris Johnson has looked into the whites of Emmanuel Macron’s eyes and made sure Johnny Frog knew that each of his demands will be immediately met and can he please let us have some food.

To mark this decisive test of brinkmanship, Number 10 spokesperson Simone Williams told selected tabloids that Boris Johnson never wavered once when nodding meekly and saying “merci.”

She went on, “Boris Johnson might look like the idiot third son of an aristocratic family that ended up owning half of Wiltshire because of a tragic helicopter accident, but there is a razor-sharp mind hiding behind the shit hair and bewildered incompetence.

“After the Elysee’s receptionist finally told him Macron had finished his chat with his tennis coach and could give him 5 minutes, Boris gave that Frenchman a sharp taste of what it’s like to have an English butler.

“I can’t go into specifics of these highly delicate negotiations but I can tell you that President Macron probably saw the spirit of Margaret Thatcher when seeing our champion take notes and saying ‘oui, oui’. Stuff of legends, I tell you.”

Although some have branded the call between Macron and Johnson an embarrassing display of a weak supplicant being sent packing by someone in complete control, Downing Street was adamant it was a meeting of equals.

“It was a clash of wills between two global titans. It’s just that one of the titans never gave an inch and the other ended up putting his own pants on his head and singing Joe Le Taxi in a Scottish accent just to be allowed to go home.”

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