Tuesday 22 December 2020 by Lucas Wilde

400% rise in beret-wearing, moustachioed Brits trying to sneak into France on a bicycle while going “haw-he-haw-he-haw”


Brexiter disguises himself as french man

The British are doing all they can to get around the current travel ban.

Rather than be stuck in Boris Johnson’s Britain a moment longer, many Britons are donning cunning disguises and attempting to get into France.

“Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw,” confirmed Simon Williams, who has never met a Frenchman, and skipped every French lesson at school.

“Ah, ‘ello! I am one of ze French!” he continued, adjusting the string of onions around his neck and twirling his very-obviously-fake moustache while perched on a bicycle.

Leaning in to whisper, he said, “I’m actually from Wolverhampton, but don’t let on, just help me get out of here.

“Britain is going horribly, so I’m going to start a new life in France. I reckon I’ll fit right in.”

French border patrol guard, Simone Le Williams, sighed, “Not again” before removing Simon’s string of onions and tossing it into a bin with 64 other strings of onions.

“Look, zere is more to being French than sitting on ze bicycle with ze moustache and ze onions.

“You also ‘ave to ‘ave ze frog’s legs, ze cigarette and ze OUTRAGEOUS amounts of flirtation with other men’s wives.

“Otherwise, ‘ow dare you call yourselves French?”

Leaning in, Simone Le Williams, said, “I’m actually from Bournemouth.”

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