Saturday 19 December 2020

Government performs further U-turn on willingness to perform U-turns


Boris Johnson u-turn on Christmas

The government has announced a U-turn in its willingness to perform U-turns, before insisting there will be no more U-turns after their latest U-turn.

The government has announced a U-turn on plans to allow extended families to spend fives days at Christmas together, in a move the prime minister has been quick to label “more of an O-turn than a U-turn, as we’re back facing the way we started.”

Critics have claimed the latest U-turn is a further sign that we shouldn’t trust the words of people that we already shouldn’t trust, even when they say “trust me, I mean it this time”.

Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “If you thought Boris Johnson could introduce sensible social policy without making a few dozen mistakes in need of retraction along the way, then you’re probably still cleverer than most people in government office.

“Clearly all he needed was a nice man like Chris Whitty to point out how his ill-considered Christmas policy that was based round populist nonsense was likely to kill an awful lot of people, and to have enough room to perform a u-turn. Again.

“Of course, Tory HQ will insist this is not so much a change of mind, as the revealing of what was their original plan all along.

“But I’ll leave it up to you to determine how much of that is complete and utter bullshit.”

Health officials have welcomed the latest u-turn, insisting it will help safeguard the health of the vulnerable throughout the holiday period.

Hospital worker Dave Michaelson told us, “This is a positive move, definitely – but I can’t help wondering what else we could get the government to perform U-turn on, now that Boris appears to finally be listening to experts.

“Christ, if he’d started listening to people like Whitty five years ago we might have avoided Brexit altogether.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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