Wednesday 16 December 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Public should use own judgement over smashing themselves in the face with a spade, insists Robert Jenrick


Robert Jenrick common sense

Housing and Communities Secretary Robert Jenrick has said the public should “use their own judgement” when it comes to deciding whether or not to smash themselves in the face with a spade.

Mr Jenrick told BBC Breakfast that the government “can’t legislate for every eventuality, so it’s very important that people think very carefully and reach their own informed judgements about whether to smash themselves in the face with a spade, or to sit down and have a nice cup of tea instead.”

He conceded that many medical experts advised against people smashing themselves in the face.

“This is true, medical experts are strongly advising against it – but we feel that, as a Government, giving accurate advice that will help people protect themselves against any potential harm isn’t really in our purview, and that it’s much more sensible to let people make a decision based on personal prejudice and half-read links they’ve seen on Twitter,” he continued.

He denied that the Government has capitulated to the spade industry, who might see profits adversely affected by the Government advising people not to smash themselves in the face with a spade.

“No, that’s not true at all. Although, of course, it is important to weigh up the economic impacts of advice not to smash yourself in the face with a spade, and that’s why we think it’s is best left to the public to use their common sense over such matters.”

The new advice was welcomed by leading thinkers such as Ian Brown, Denise Welch and Laurence fucking Fox who have all long campaigned for people’s right to smash themselves in the face with a spade.

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