Do as we say, not as we say, clarifies government

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The government has this afternoon clarified its rules for this Christmas, insisting people should do as they say, not as they say.

With less than ten days to go until families across the country congregate to cough into each other’s mouths across a plate of turkey, the government has been compelled to clarify their advice to those families.

Boris Johnson told the country, “Our advice is simple, listen to what we’ve said, not what we’ve said, and follow the guidance we’ve given you, not the guidance we’ve given you – and if we all do that, then I’m sure Christmas will be as happy as it can be, given the circumstances – which you have created, not me.

“People will no doubt continue to complain that we haven’t been clear enough, but frankly, if you can’t follow a simple instruction to not follow a simple instruction, then I’m not sure what else we can be expected to do.

“I realise this messaging might have been clearer if Dominic was still here, but he’s gone, so I’m afraid there is no slick three-word policy to go with our Christmas guidance.

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“So, in conclusion. Our advice is simple. Listen to what we’ve said, and do that, but not that.

“Thank you.”