Asylum seekers welcomed into British waters after disguising themselves as fish

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Immigrants attempting to reach UK shores have adopted a new tactic, exploiting the current Brexit dispute with the EU regarding fishing quotas to make themselves more desirable to the average Brexiter.

People smuggling boats, packed with immigrants disguising themselves as various types of fish, have slipped by security officials torn between their role protecting our border integrity and the government’s urgency to defend and retain British fish stocks.

“We’re not trained in fish identification,” says a disgruntled border security worker Simon Williams, speaking to us under the promise of anonymity.

“To most people, a fish is a fish is a fish, so how are we meant to tell which ones are non-indigenous and which are actually genuine British fish? Worse still, we’ve been told European fish swimming into our waters is actually a good thing, and so we should be rolling out the red carpet for them.”

He explained how boats, deceitfully flying Union Jacks, are landing on Kent shores and offloading a cargo of suspiciously large fish who walk right into the country under the eyes of Immigrant Enforcement officials.

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“Sometimes it’s not so hard,” adds the frustrated border defender.

“Last week we detained two angler fish and a piece of coral or something, but otherwise it’s anyone’s guess whether the thing we’ve pulled from the water is something for which we’ll happily fight to the death, or something we should be disdainfully throwing back in the direction of France.”

A spokesperson for the Union for Borders, Immigration and Customs, Frank Turbot, tells us the issue has been raised with the government and that they are demanding urgent fish identification training for all their employees after several incidents in which legitimate fishing vessels were refused landing permissions from port authorities.