Monday 14 December 2020 by Lucas Wilde

Londoners stunned to receive same treatment as the North for a bloody change


unhappy londoners

London is going into Tier 3 restrictions from Wednesday, to the shock of many residents who never believed they’d be getting the same raw deal as those odd people up North.

“I’m sorry, WHAT?” queried avocado and quinoa breeder, Hayley Rice.

“Don’t they know who we are? This isn’t LEEDS. We do important work down here!

“I breed avocados and my husband works in the stock market, and you’d be miserable without either of those things.

“One of the few benefits of living in this overpriced rat-run is that we get special treatment compared to everywhere else, especially- though not limited to – everywhere north of Watford.

“It’s a bloody disgrace. What’s next? Coal mines? A whippet under every arm? The mind boggles.”

London MP, Simon Williams, said, “If we’re honest, we know that London is better than everywhere else. That’s just science.

“But this is one of the many cruelties of Coronavirus: it is a merciless beast that doesn’t take into account whatsoever one’s Christmas dinner reservations at The Ivy.

“So we’re going to have to shut it all down just like we did for Manchester. But don’t worry, we’ll be back to our relentless focus on the capital and nowhere else in the new year.”

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