Friday 11 December 2020 by Lucas Wilde

Socially distanced NewsThump Christmas party still somehow ends in orgy of violence


NewsThump Christmas party

We’re all bleeding from the mouth at the NewsThump offices, according to reports from me.

Following a socially Christmas party held on a Thursday night so we can all be hungover on company time, every single staff member has some kind of injury.

“Jeethuth Chrith,” muttered Neil Tollfree, looking in the mirror to confirm he had lost several teeth.

“Yeah, that got out of hand,” confirmed Dan Sweryt, picking beer bottle glass out of his shin, “how did all of that kick off, anyway? We were having drinks ten feet apart from each other and the next thing I know I’ve got a Stella bottle literally in me courtesy of Chris Ballard.”

“My fault, I think,” said Lucas Wilde, his arm in a sling but still the most handsome and talented writer.

“I jokingly called Mark Molloy a hack, he took it the wrong way said something about my mother, then I threw the fire extinguisher. After that it became like a food fight from a film, only with office furniture and glass bottles. Lots of repressed rage around here I think. Probably healthy to get it out,” confirmed the sex symbol.

“Anyway, sorry, Mark.”

“Eh, it’s all good” offered Molloy, holding an ice pack to his head, “If you can’t launch a fire extinguisher at a colleague during the Christmas party, then when the hell can you?”

Editor, Rich Smith, chuckled, “This happens every year. It’s great fun to watch.”

“They call it a ‘friendly rivalry’ to see who can write the funniest and most popular story, but get a few drinks in them and the deep, bitter resentment they harbour towards each other comes rocketing to the surface.

“It’s Simon Williams I feel the worst for. DavyWavy threw him out the window after he wrongly assumed the chair thrown at him by Arabin Patson came from Simon. Arabin only threw it because he himself had been hit by whisky bottle thrown by Pete Redfern, who had ducked below a desk to make it look like Davywavy had throw it.

“Anyway, we work on the 11th floor so I’m going to have to make a difficult call to Simon’s wife, and indeed to the local council. I’m damned if I’m scraping him off the pavement myself with this hangover.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: